I had a momentary suspicion that I had said something stupid.Her smile amongst many other things seemed to have meant that, too.
And I answered it with a certain resignation:
"Well, I don't know that you are so much mist.I remember once hanging on to you like a drowning man...But perhaps I had better not speak of this.It wasn't so very long ago, and you may...""I don't mind.Well..."
"Well, I have kept an impression of great solidity.I'll admit that.A woman of granite.""A doctor once told me that I was made to last for ever," she said.
"But essentially it's the same thing," I went on."Granite, too, is insensible."I watched her profile against the pillow and there came on her face an expression I knew well when with an indignation full of suppressed laughter she used to throw at me the word "Imbecile." Iexpected it to come, but it didn't come.I must say, though, that I was swimmy in my head and now and then had a noise as of the sea in my ears, so I might not have heard it.The woman of granite, built to last for ever, continued to look at the glowing logs which made a sort of fiery ruin on the white pile of ashes."I will tell you how it is," I said."When I have you before my eyes there is such a projection of my whole being towards you that I fail to see you distinctly.It was like that from the beginning.I may say that I never saw you distinctly till after we had parted and Ithought you had gone from my sight for ever.It was then that you took body in my imagination and that my mind seized on a definite form of you for all its adorations - for its profanations, too.
Don't imagine me grovelling in spiritual abasement before a mere image.I got a grip on you that nothing can shake now.""Don't speak like this," she said."It's too much for me.And there is a whole long night before us.""You don't think that I dealt with you sentimentally enough perhaps? But the sentiment was there; as clear a flame as ever burned on earth from the most remote ages before that eternal thing which is in you, which is your heirloom.And is it my fault that what I had to give was real flame, and not a mystic's incense? It is neither your fault nor mine.And now whatever we say to each other at night or in daylight, that sentiment must be taken for granted.It will be there on the day I die - when you won't be there."She continued to look fixedly at the red embers; and from her lips that hardly moved came the quietest possible whisper: "Nothing would be easier than to die for you.""Really," I cried."And you expect me perhaps after this to kiss your feet in a transport of gratitude while I hug the pride of your words to my breast.But as it happens there is nothing in me but contempt for this sublime declaration.How dare you offer me this charlatani** of passion? What has it got to do between you and me who are the only two beings in the world that may safely say that we have no need of shams between ourselves? Is it possible that you are a charlatan at heart? Not from egoism, I admit, but from some sort of fear.Yet, should you be sincere, then - listen well to me - I would never forgive you.I would visit your grave every day to curse you for an evil thing.""Evil thing," she echoed softly.
"Would you prefer to be a sham - that one could forget?""You will never forget me," she said in the same tone at the glowing embers."Evil or good.But, my dear, I feel neither an evil nor a sham.I have got to be what I am, and that, amigo, is not so easy; because I may be ******, but like all those on whom there is no peace I am not One.No, I am not One!""You are all the women in the world," I whispered bending over her.
She didn't seem to be aware of anything and only spoke - always to the glow.
"If I were that I would say: God help them then.But that would be more appropriate for Therese.For me, I can only give them my infinite compassion.I have too much reverence in me to invoke the name of a God of whom clever men have robbed me a long time ago.
How could I help it? For the talk was clever and - and I had a mind.And I am also, as Therese says, naturally sinful.Yes, my dear, I may be naturally wicked but I am not evil and I could die for you.""You!" I said."You are afraid to die."
"Yes.But not for you."
The whole structure of glowing logs fell down, raising a small turmoil of white ashes and sparks.The tiny crash seemed to wake her up thoroughly.She turned her head upon the cushion to look at me.
"It's a very extraordinary thing, we two coming together like this," she said with conviction."You coming in without knowing Iwas here and then telling me that you can't very well go out of the room.That sounds funny.I wouldn't have been angry if you had said that you wouldn't.It would have hurt me.But nobody ever paid much attention to my feelings.Why do you smile like this?""At a thought.Without any charlatani** of passion I am able to tell you of something to match your devotion.I was not afraid for your sake to come within a hair's breadth of what to all the world would have been a squalid crime.Note that you and I are persons of honour.And there might have been a criminal trial at the end of it for me.Perhaps the scaffold.""Do you say these horrors to make me tremble?""Oh, you needn't tremble.There shall be no crime.I need not risk the scaffold, since now you are safe.But I entered this room meditating resolutely on the ways of murder, calculating possibilities and chances without the slightest compunction.It's all over now.It was all over directly I saw you here, but it had been so near that I shudder yet."She must have been very startled because for a time she couldn't speak.Then in a faint voice:
"For me! For me!" she faltered out twice.
"For you - or for myself? Yet it couldn't have been selfish.What would it have been to me that you remained in the world? I never expected to see you again.I even composed a most beautiful letter of farewell.Such a letter as no woman had ever received."Instantly she shot out a hand towards me.The edges of the fur cloak fell apart.A wave of the faintest possible scent floated into my nostrils.
"Let me have it," she said imperiously.