"But whatever she may say, remember that she does not believe it herself,--remember that she will believe nothing but that she is a guilty creature.
"When I tried to rid her soul of this gloomy fallacy, she suffered so terribly that my heart will never be quite at peace so long as I can remember that dreadful time!--Do you know why she left me? Simply to prove to me what is not true--that she is base. But the worst of it is, she did not realize herself that that was all she wanted to prove by her departure! She went away in response to some inner prompting to do something disgraceful, in order that she might say to herself--'There--you've done a new act of shame--you degraded creature!'
"Oh, Aglaya--perhaps you cannot understand all this. Try to realize that in the perpetual admission of guilt she probably finds some dreadful unnatural satisfaction--as though she were revenging herself upon someone.
"Now and then I was able to persuade her almost to see light around her again; but she would soon fall, once more, into her old tormenting delusions, and would go so far as to reproach me for placing myself on a pedestal above her (I never had an idea of such a thing!), and informed me, in reply to my proposal of marriage, that she 'did not want condescending sympathy or help from anybody.' You saw her last night. You don't suppose she can be happy among such people as those--you cannot suppose that such society is fit for her? You have no idea how well-educated she is, and what an intellect she has! She astonished me sometimes.""And you preached her sermons there, did you?""Oh no," continued the prince thoughtfully, not noticing Aglaya's mocking tone, "I was almost always silent there. I often wished to speak, but I really did not know what to say. In some cases it is best to say nothing, I think. I loved her, yes, I loved her very much indeed; but afterwards--afterwards she guessed all.""What did she guess?"
"That I only PITIED her--and--and loved her no longer!""How do you know that? How do you know that she is not really in love with that--that rich cad--the man she eloped with?""Oh no! I know she only laughs at him; she has made a fool of him all along.""Has she never laughed at you?"
"No--in anger, perhaps. Oh yes! she reproached me dreadfully in anger; and suffered herself, too! But afterwards--oh! don't remind me--don't remind me of that!"He hid his face in his hands.
"Are you aware that she writes to me almost every day?""So that is true, is it?" cried the prince, greatly agitated.
"I had heard a report of it, but would not believe it.""Whom did you hear it from?" asked Aglaya, alarmed. "Rogojin said something about it yesterday, but nothing definite.""Yesterday! Morning or evening? Before the music or after?""After--it was about twelve o'clock."
"Ah! Well, if it was Rogojin--but do you know what she writes to me about?""I should not be surprised by anything. She is mad!""There are the letters." (Aglaya took three letters out of her pocket and threw them down before the prince.) "For a whole week she has been entreating and worrying and persuading me to marry you. She--well, she is clever, though she may be mad--much cleverer than I am, as you say. Well, she writes that she is in love with me herself, and tries to see me every day, if only from a distance. She writes that you love me, and that she has long known it and seen it, and that you and she talked about me--there. She wishes to see you happy, and she says that she is certain only I can ensure you the happiness you deserve. She writes such strange, wild letters--I haven't shown them to anyone. Now, do you know what all this means? Can you guess anything?""It is madness--it is merely another proof of her insanity!" said the prince, and his lips trembled.
"You are crying, aren't you?"
"No, Aglaya. No, I'm not crying." The prince looked at her.
"Well, what am I to do? What do you advise me? I cannot go on receiving these letters, you know.""Oh, let her alone, I entreat you!" cried the prince. What can you do in this dark, gloomy mystery? Let her alone, and I'll use all my power to prevent her writing you any more letters.""If so, you are a heartless man!" cried Aglaya. As if you can't see that it is not myself she loves, but you, you, and only you!
Surely you have not remarked everything else in her, and only not THIS? Do you know what these letters mean? They mean jealousy, sir--nothing but pure jealousy! She--do you think she will ever really marry this Rogojin, as she says here she will? She would take her own life the day after you and I were married."The prince shuddered; his heart seemed to freeze within him. He gazed at Aglaya in wonderment; it was difficult for him to realize that this child was also a woman.
"God knows, Aglaya, that to restore her peace of mind and make her happy I would willingly give up my life. But I cannot love her, and she knows that.""Oh, make a sacrifice of yourself! That sort of thing becomes you well, you know. Why not do it? And don't call me 'Aglaya'; you have done it several times lately. You are bound, it is your DUTYto 'raise' her; you must go off somewhere again to soothe and pacify her. Why, you love her, you know!""I cannot sacrifice myself so, though I admit I did wish to do so once. Who knows, perhaps I still wish to! But I know for CERTAIN, that if she married me it would be her ruin; I know this and therefore I leave her alone. I ought to go to see her today; now I shall probably not go. She is proud, she would never forgive me the nature of the love I bear her, and we should both be ruined.
This may be unnatural, I don't know; but everything seems unnatural. You say she loves me, as if this were LOVE! As if she could love ME, after what I have been through! No, no, it is not love.""How pale you have grown!" cried Aglaya in alarm.