Then Johnny left the artist's room and walked from Kensington to Lady Demoline's house. As he went he partly accused himself and partly excused himself in that matter of his love for Lily Dale. There were moments of his life in which he felt that he would willingly die for her--that life was not worth having without her--in which he went about inwardly reproaching fortune for having treated him so cruelly. Why should she not be his? He half believed that she loved him. She had almost told him so. She could not surely still love that other man who had treated her with such vile falsehood? As he considered the question in all its bearings he assured himself over and over again that there would be now no fear of that rival;--and yet he had such fears, and hated Crosbie almost as much as ever. It was a thousand pities, certainly, that the man should have been made free by the death of his wife. But it could hardly be that he should seek to see Lily again, or that Lily, if so sought, should even listen to him. But yet there he was, free once more--an odious being, whom Johnny was determined to sacrifice to his vengeance, if cause for such sacrifice should occur.
And thus thinking of the real truth of his love, he endeavoured to excuse himself to himself from that charge of vagueness and laxness which his friend Conway Dalrymple had brought against him. And then again he accused himself of the same sin. If he had been positively in earnest, with downright manly earnestness, would he have allowed the thing to drag itself with a weak uncertain life, as it had done for the last two or three years? Lily Dale had been a dream to him in his boyhood; and he had made a reality of his dream as soon as he had become a man. But before he had been able, as a man, to tell his love to the girl whom he had loved as a child, another man had intervened, and his prize had been taken from him. Then the wretched victor had thrown his treasure away, and he, John Eames, had been content to stoop to pick it up--was content to do so now. But there was something which he felt to be unmanly in the constant stooping. Dalrymple had told him that he was like a man who is ever writing a book and yet never writes it. He would do his very best to make Lily his own. But if he failed now, he would have done with it. It seemed to him to be below his dignity as a man to be always coveting a thing which he could not obtain.
Johnny was informed by the boy in buttons, who opened the door for him at Lady Demolines', that the ladies were at home, and he was shown up into the drawing-room. Here he was allowed full ten minutes to explore the knick-knacks on the table, and open the photograph book, and examine the furniture, before Miss Demolines made her appearance. When she did come, her hair was tangled more marvellously even than when he saw at the dinner-party, and her eyes were darker, and her cheeks thinner. 'I'm afraid mamma won't be able to come down,' said Miss Demolines. 'She will be so sorry but she is not quite well today. The wind is in the east, she says, and when she says the wind is in the east she always refuses to be well.'
'Then I should tell her it is in the west.'
'But it is in the east.'
'Ah, there I can't help you, Miss Demolines. I never know which is east, and which is west; and if I did, I shouldn't know from which point the wind blew.'
'At any rate mamma can't come downstairs, and you must excuse her. What a very nice woman Mrs Dobbs Broughton is.' Johnny acknowledged that Mrs Dobbs Broughton was charming. 'And Mr Broughton is so good-natured!'
Johnny again assented. 'I like him of all things,' said Miss Demolines.
'So do I,' said Johnny; --'I never liked anybody so much in my life. Isuppose one is bound to say that kind of thing.' 'Oh, you ill-natured man,' said Miss Demollines. 'I suppose you think that poor Mr Broughton is a little--just a little--you know what I mean.'
'Not exactly,' said Johnny.
'Yes, you do; you know very well what I mean. And of course he is. How can he help it?'
'Poor fellow--no. I don't suppose he can help it, or he would;--wouldn't he?'
'Of course Mr Broughton had not the advantage of birth or much early education. All his friends know that, and make allowance accordingly.
When she married him, she was aware of his deficiency, and made up her mind to put up with it.'
'It was very kind of her; don't you think so?'
'I knew Maria Clutterbuck for years before she was married. Of course she was very much my senior, but, nevertheless, we were friends. I think I was hardly more than twelve years old when I first began to correspond with Maria. She was then past twenty. So you see, Mr Eames, I make no secret of my age.'
'Why should you?'
'But never mind that. Everybody knows that Maria Clutterbuck was very much admired. Of course I'm not going to tell you or any other gentleman all her history.'
'I was in hopes you were.'
'Then certainly your hopes will be frustrated, Mr Eames. But undoubtedly when she told us that she was going to take Dobbs Broughton, we were a little disappointed. Maria Clutterbuck had been used to a better kind of life. You understand what I mean, Mr Eames?'
'Oh, exactly;--and yet it's not a bad kind of life, either.'
'No, no; that is true. It has its attractions. She keeps her carriage, sees a good deal of company, has an excellent house, and goes abroad for six weeks every year. But you know, Mr Eames, there is, perhaps, a little uncertainty about it.'
'Life is always uncertain, Miss Demolines.'
'You're quizzing now, I know. But don't you feel now, really, that City money is always very chancy? It comes and goes so quick.'
'As regards the going, I think that's the same with all money,' said Johnny.
'Not with land, or the funds. Mamma has every shilling laid out in a first-class mortgage on land at four per cent. that does make one feel so secure! The land can't run away.'
'But you think poor Broughton's money may?'