She had known that the task would be difficult, but she had little known how difficult it would be. On that day of her first attempt she did not get it written at all. Now was she to begin? He had called her 'Dearest Grace'; and this mode of beginning seemed as easy as it was sweet. 'It is very easy for a gentleman,' she said to herself, 'because he may say just what he pleases.' She wrote the words 'Dearest Henry,' on a scrap of paper, and immediately into fragments as though she was ashamed of having written them. She knew that she would not dare to send away a letter beginning with such words. She would not even have dared to let such words in her own handwriting remain within the recesses of her own little desk. 'Dear Major Grantly,' she began at length. It seemed to her to be very ugly, but after much consideration she believed it to be correct. On the second day the letter was written as follows:--'ALLINGTON, Thursday 'MY DEAR MAJOR GRANTLY, 'I do not know how I ought to answer your kind letter, but Imust tell you that I am very much flattered by your great goodness to me. I cannot understand why you should think so much of me, but I suppose it is because you have felt for my misfortunes. I will not say anything about what might have happened, if it had not been for papa's sorrow and disgrace;and as far as I can help it, I will not think of it; but I am sure that I ought not to think about loving anyone, that is, in the way you mean, while we are in such trouble at home. Ishould not dare to meet any of your great friends, knowing that I had brought nothing with me but disgrace. And I should fell that I was doing an injury to dear Edith, which would be worse to me than anything.
'Pray believe me that I am quite in earnest about this. I know that a gentleman ought not to marry any girl to do himself and his family an injury by it; and I know that if I were to make such a marriage I should be unhappy ever afterwards, even though I loved the man ever so dearly, with all my heart.'
These last words she had underscored at first, but the doing so had been the unconscious expression of her own affection, and had been done with no desire on her part to convey that expression to him. But on reading the words she discovered their latent meaning, and wrote it all again.
'Therefore I know that it will be best that I should wish you good-bye, and I do so, thanking you again and again for your goodness to me,--believe me to be, Yours very sincerely, 'GRACE CRAWLEY' The letter when it was written was hateful to her; but she had tried her hand at it again and again, and had found that she could do nothing better. There was much in his letter that she had not attempted to answer. He had implored her to tell him whether or no she did no truth love him. Of course she loved him. He knew that well enough. Why should she answer any such question? There was a way of answering it indeed which might serve her turn--or rather serve his, of which she was thinking more than of her own. She might say that she did not love him.
It would be a lie, and he would know it would be a lie. But still it might serve the turn. She did not like the idea of writing such a lie as that, but nevertheless she considered the matter. It would be very wicked; but still, if it would serve the turn, might it not be well to write it? But at last she reflected that, after all, the doing of the thing was in her own hands. She could refuse to marry this man without burdening her conscience with any lie about it. It only required that she should be firm. She abstained, therefore, from the falsehood, and left her lover's question unanswered. So she put up her letter and directed it, and carried it herself to the village post-office.
On the day after this she got a second letter, and that she showed immediately to Mrs Dale. It was from her mother, and was written to tell that her father was seriously ill. 'He went up to London to see a lawyer about this weary work of the trial,' said Mrs Crawley. 'The fatigue was very great, and on the next day he was so weak that he could not leave his bed. Dr Turner, who has been very kind, says that we need not frighten ourselves, but he thinks it must be some time before he can leave the house. He has a low fever on him, and wants nourishment. His mind has wandered once or twice, and he has asked for you, and I think it will be best, love, that you should come home. I know you will not mind it when I say that I think he would like to have you here. Dr Turner says that the illness is chiefly owing to his not having proper food.'
Of course she would go home. 'Dear Mrs Dale,' she said; 'I must go home. Can you send me to the station?' Then Mrs Dale read the letter. Of course they would send her. Would she go on that day, or on the next?
Might it not be better to write first, and say that she was going? But Grace would go at once. 'I know it will be a comfort to mamma; and Iknow that he is worse than mamma says.' Of course there was no more to be said, and she was despatched to the station. Before she went Mrs Dale asked after her purse. 'If there is any trouble about money--for your journey, or anything, you will not scruple to come to me as an old friend.' But Grace assured her that there was no trouble about money--for her journey. Then Lily took her aside and produced two clean new five-pound notes. 'Grace, dear, you won't be ill-natured. You know Ihave a little fortune of my own. You know I can give them without missing them.' Grace threw herself into her friend's arms and wept, but would have none of her money. 'Buy a present from me to your mother--whom I love though I do not know her.' 'I will give her your love,' Grace said, 'but nothing else.' And then she went.