My grand-parents had a strange belief. Neither felt I needed to know my daddy was ready to give up his tormented body. Instead，they called me afterwards. I was angry at them for not letting me know so I could be with him. I was so angry that I did not go to the funeral.
I started seeing my grand-parents once again after I realized they really did think they were doing something good by sparing me the sight of him taking his last breath，but I could not let go of the grief that my daddy did not get well，and ride that bicycle with me. My anger turned toward my daddy and his faith. I stayed very juvenile about that well into my late 20，s.
I had just moved into my first house with my soon to be husband. I had to get rid of unopened boxes my grandparents had kept for me. But one box popped open，as I picked it up，lost my balance，and dropped the contents on the floor. Cursing，I bent down and started to stuff the items back in the box when a folded piece of very worn paper caught my eye. Curiously，I picked it up and unfolded it. Tears found their way down my cheeks as I read what it said.
“This is my Testimony，I am bedridden so my father is writing this for me. My mind may be bound in this diseased body but not my soul. That part of me has always and will always be free. I am of strong mind and I still have faith I will be free.”
signed，Paul Bassett.
I cried so damn hard and squeezed the paper to shreds in my tear soaked hands. I screamed out，“Daddy！ Why did you leave me！ Why...”It was late，and I was exhausted. I crawled up the stairs and just fell on top of the bed，fully dressed.
I fell into a deep sleep and it was then I was set free of my grief. Out of a silvery mist walked my daddy wearing a brown tweed suit. He looked well and happy standing in front of me. He was not at all as I remembered him but instead，so full of life. I ran to him and he reached out and wrapped his arms around me.
“Daddy，Why did you leave me？”I questioned with tears in my eyes.
“Ruby，my sweet，sweet daughter，I have never left you. Never. I have been right here with you， at your side for all these years watching over you，keeping you safe. I love you as much as I always have.”
I woke and sat up with more than dream tears in my eyes. I laughed out loud and said，“I love you，too，daddy！”He was free and now，so was I. He was free to ride his bike，and I was free of my angry grief.
My grandmother was still alive and we talked nearly every week. I called her as soon as it became light. I told her about the dream and heard her chuckle. She told me，“Your daddy was buried in that brown tweed suit.”
I never understood till years later，the hope he held onto was not for himself，but for me，his only daughter，that I would find my own hope when life got rough and find the beauty it offered if I looked for it.
我们认为自己所爱的亲人放弃了年迈、虚弱或患病的身体时，我们就失去了他们。我们因他们再也不能支持我们、再也不能握住我们的手或再也不能为我们提供建议而哭泣。我们认为他们已将我们弃之身后，而没有了他们，我们的人生将会失去它的美丽。
当爸爸最终再也无法忍受自己患病的身体时，我就是这么想的。帕金森病迫使他卧病在床，仅仅几年间，他四十四岁的身体就已衰老了那么多，这身体看起来似乎属于一个老人，而不属于一个头发依然乌黑的男子，但他黑 色的双眸依旧闪烁着希望的光芒。
爷爷带我去看望他时，他的面容上总是带着一丝微笑。那个地方气味很难闻，以至于我有时想吐。他本应接受 却从未接受过的治疗让他一直向往着去一个更好的地方居住。
他经常只是为了喝一杯水，或下床坐在椅子上以缓解一下身体的酸痛而耐心等待。他患有很严重的褥疮，爷爷 为他购买了带毛的羊皮，让他躺在上面。护士几乎不来为他翻身——翻身可使他身体的一侧或另一侧能得到休 息。九岁的我年龄太小，还不能真正理解这些。
爸爸总是怀有一种坚定的信念：有朝一日，他会从床上起来，走出那些他被迫忍受的可怕地方。他甚至让爷爷 为自己买了一辆绿色的单车，并拍下它的照片搁在房间里，这样他每天都能看见它。他让爷爷也为我买了一辆 与他的一样的绿色单车。他对我说，我一定要等到他能骑单车的时候与他一起骑。一想到我们一起骑单车，我 就很兴奋，于是，我并不介意等待，因为我确信一如他所说的，有朝一日，他会摆脱限制他的那张床。
这么多年来，他的身体已经衰竭了，而他的思想却没有。他依然心怀着摆脱自己无用的身体的希望。即便到了 不得不依靠别人喂饭的地步，他仍告诉我们所有人，有朝一日他会再次走路……并会骑上那辆单车。他的声音 发颤，这迫使他经常要重复述说，但他从未流露出沮丧的神情。他只会重复自己所说的话，直到我们都明白他的意思。
随着岁月的流逝，我进入了少女时期。搭便车广受欢迎，我于是伸出了拇指。我想去冒险。在勇往直前的途中，我偶尔会意识到一两周的时间已经悄然逝去。我一直确保让爷爷奶奶知道我很好，以便他们能转告我爸爸。几年后，我定居下来开始工作。
我的爷爷奶奶有一个奇怪的信念：两人都认为我不必知道爸爸已准备安乐死。他们没有通知我，而是在事后才 给我打电话。我对他们不让我知情而感到愤怒，我本可以陪伴爸爸的。我生气极了，以至于没有参加葬礼。
我意识到爷爷奶奶实际上是认为，不让我见到爸爸临终时的样子是对我好，于是我又开始去看望他们，但我心 里的悲伤始终无法平复，那种爸爸的病情无法好转并且不能与我一起骑单车的悲伤。我把愤怒转投到爸爸与他 的信念。我很幼稚地把那种情绪完全保留到近三十岁。
我刚刚与未婚夫迁入了我所拥有的第一套房子。我不得不扔掉爷爷奶奶曾为我保管的那些从未打开过的盒子。但一个盒子突然崩开了，当我拿起来它时，身体失去了平衡，盒内之物掉落在地板上。我咒骂着弯下腰开始一 样一样地把它们塞回盒里，这时，一张折叠着的破旧纸片吸引了我的注意。我好奇地把它拾起来展开。当我读 完纸上的内容后，泪水沿着脸颊顺流而下。
“这是我的证词，因为我卧床不起，所以父亲为我写下这份证词。在这个疾病缠身的身体里，我的头脑也许受 到了束缚，但我的心灵却不受约束。我的心灵部分一直、并将永远自由。我意志坚定，并依然心怀即将获得自 由的信心。”签字人：保罗·巴西特
我痛哭流涕，用浸满泪水的双手捏着纸把它撕成了碎片，大声喊道：“爸爸！您为什么要离开我！为什么…… ”天色已晚，我已筋疲力尽。我爬上楼梯，和衣倒在床上。
我酣然入睡，就在那时，我被悲伤释放。爸爸穿着粗花呢棕色套装从一缕银色的薄雾中走了出来。他站在我面 前，显得健康而又愉快，根本不像我记忆中的样子，而是那么充满活力。我向他跑过去，他伸出双臂紧紧地搂 着我。
“爸爸，您为什么要离开我？”我眼里噙着泪水问道。
“鲁比，我的甜心，宝贝女儿，我从未离开过你。从来没有。我一直就在这儿，与你在一起。这些年来，我一直在你的身边守望着你，保障着你的安全。我爱你一如往昔。”
我醒了，坐起身来，眼里噙着比在睡梦中还要多的泪水。我放声大笑，说道：“我也爱您，爸爸！”他获得了 自由，此刻，我也获得了自由。他自由自在地骑着单车，我也不再悲愤。
奶奶依然健在，我们几乎每周都聊天。天刚亮，我就给她打了电话。我给她讲了那个梦，听见她低声笑了笑。她告诉我：“你爸爸被安葬时就穿着那身棕色的粗花呢套装。”
直到多年后我才明白：爸爸坚持希望不是为了自己，而是为了我——他唯一的女儿！当生活过得艰难时，我会 找到自己的希望，而且，假如我去寻觅，就会发现生活赐予的美丽！
horrible
【释义】adj. 可怕的；极讨厌的
【短语】horrible to sb. 对某人不友好
shakiness
【释义】n. 颤抖；摇晃；不稳固；不可靠
torment
【释义】n. 痛苦，苦恼；痛苦的根源 vt. 折磨，使痛苦；纠缠，作弄
【短语】torment oneself with sth. 由于……烦扰
frustration
【释义】n. 挫折
【短语】frustration at 对……感到失望
scream
【释义】n. 尖叫声 vi. 尖叫；呼啸 vt. 尖声喊叫；大叫大嚷着要求
【短语】scream at 大叫大嚷，责备
silvery
【释义】adj. 银色的；清脆的；银铃一般的；似银的
wrap
【释义】n. 外套；围巾 vt. 包；缠绕；隐藏 vi. 包起来；缠绕；穿外衣
【短语】wrap up 包起来
rough
【释义】n. 艰苦 adj. 粗糙的 adv. 粗糙地 vt. 使粗糙 vi. 举止粗野
【短语】play rough 不客气；rough weather 恶劣的天气
Benny，s Fish/ 本尼的鱼
“Is he coming along？”I groaned .
I stared disgustedly at my new stepbrother，Benny，sitting in the back seat of Dad，s car. Benny is eight，short and thin with beady eyes and big ears. Now that Mom and Dad are divorced，I only see Dad every other weekend，and Benny is always horning in . He ruins everything.
The time we went hiking，he got a blister. The zoo made him sneeze. At the baseball game he got a peanut up his nose. If Dad had to remarry，I don，t see why he picked Benny，s mother. I mean， she，s OK. It，s just too bad that Benny was included in the deal.
Today Dad and I were going deep-sea fishing for the first time. Now it was spoiled.
“Joe，”Dad said in his patient voice，“Benny，s your brother-”
“Some brother！”
“We，ll have a good time，”Dad promised，“Better bring a jacket.”
“What for？”I glanced at the steel-colored Florida sky，“It，s hot today.”