One effective way of sabotaging happiness is to look at something and fixate on even the smallest flaw. It"s like looking up at a tiled ceiling and concentrating on the space where one tile is missing. As a bald man told me， "Whenever I enter a room， all I see is hair."
Once you"ve determined what your missing tile is， explore whether acquiring it will really make you happy. Then do one of three things：get it， replace it with a different tile， or forget about it and focus on the tiles in your life that are there.
I"ve spent years studying happiness， and one of the most significant conclusions I"ve drawn is that there is little correlation between the circumstances of people"s lives and how happy they are. A moment"s reflection should make this obvious. We all know people who have had a relatively easy life yet are essentially unhappy. And we know people who have suffered a great deal but generally remain happy.
The first secret is gratitude. All happy people are grateful. Ungrateful people cannot be happy. We tend to think that being unhappy leads people to complain， but it"s true to say that complaining leads to people becoming unhappy.
The second secret is realizing that happiness is a by product of something else. The most obvious sources are those pursuits that give our lives purpose anything from studying insects to playing baseball. The more passions we have， the more happiness we"re likely to experience.
Finally， the belief that something permanent transcends us and that our existence has some larger meaning can help us be happier. We need a spiritual or religious faith， or a philosophy of life.
Whatever your philosophy， it should encompass this truism： if you choose to find the positive in virtually every situation， you will be blessed， and if you choose to find the awful， you will be cursed. As with happiness itself， this is largely your decision.
当我结束了一个关于幸福的谈话节目，观众席有一位女士站起来说："要是我丈夫也来了就好了。"虽然她很爱他，她解释说，但和一个那么不快乐的人一起过日子可真不容易。
这位女士正好使我道出了我一直想说的话：也就是认真对待幸福的外在原因，而那同时也是内在的原因。我告诉她我们每个人都要尽可能的幸福，因为这是我们对家庭和朋友的责任。如果你不相信我，问问小孩和一个不快乐的家长一起长大是什么感觉，或者问问家长如果他们有一个不快乐的小孩，他们会承受什么样的痛苦。
我并不是一个特别快乐的孩子，和其他十几岁的孩子们一样，我沉溺于自己的痛苦之中。然而，有一天我突然开窍了，其实我一直在懒省事。任何人都可以不幸福，因为那不需要勇气也不需要努力，真正的成就感在于努力寻求幸福。
对很多人来说，我们必须致力于幸福这个观念还很新鲜。我们通常认为，幸福是随着那些刚刚发生过的美妙事情而来的一种感觉，而对于那些事情来说，我们鲜能控制，甚至根本无法控制。
但实际上恰恰相反：幸福在很大程度上在我们的控制之下。它是一场我们必须加入的战争，而不是一种需要我们去等待的感觉。
要想得到更幸福的生活，就必须搬走一些绊脚石，其中三个就是：
与人攀比
我们大多数人会拿自己跟任何一个我们觉得更幸福的人比较——一个亲戚，一个熟人，或者，通常是我们根本不怎么认识的某个人。我曾经遇到过一个年轻人，他给我的印象十分深刻，因为他相当成功也相当幸福。他谈起他对他漂亮的妻子和女儿们的爱，谈起他在一个中意的城市作广播脱口秀节目的快乐。我记得我曾经认为他就是那种天下少有的事事顺心的幸运儿。
然后我们谈起网络。他告诉我，他非常庆幸有网络这么个东西，正是由于网络的存在，他才能够找寻更多关于多发性硬化症的信息，而这可怕的疾病正折磨着他的妻子。想起我曾以为没有任何不幸的事情存在于他的生活中，我觉得自己就像个傻子。
完美设想
几乎我们所有人都对生活有所设想。当然，问题是，只有极少数人的工作、配偶和孩子会和他之前所设想过的状况一模一样。
以下是我个人的一个例子。我们家族从来没有人离过婚，我也一直认为一生只能有一次婚姻。所以当我和妻子结婚五年之后离了婚，当时我们的儿子已经三岁了，我的世界崩溃了。在自己眼里，我是一个失败者。
后来我再婚了，但我告诉妻子弗兰我无法动摇心中家庭生活失败的情绪。她问我，现在的家有什么不好（这个家包括她与前夫的女儿和我的儿子）。我不得不承认，除了我只有一半时间与儿子相处这一点所带来的痛楚（我和前妻共同享有监护权）之外，我们的家庭生活其实是非常幸福的。
"那么为什么你不为此而高兴呢？"她问。
那正是我打算做的。但首先，我得丢掉"完美"家庭的影子。
"缺瓦"综合症
如果想要破坏幸福，很有效的一个办法便是：在看东西的时候，把所有目光集中到哪怕是最小的一点瑕疵上面。这就像看瓦房顶一样，专门看缺了一片瓦的那块地方。一位秃头的先生曾经告诉我："不管什么时候，只要我进入一个房间，我所看见的全都是头发。"
一旦确定了你所缺失的瓦片是哪一块，想想重新获得它是否真的会令你幸福。然后从以下三个选项中选择一个：找到丢了的那块；用另一块不同的瓦片来代替；忘了它并且关注你生命中没有缺失的那些瓦片。
我花了很多年的时间研究幸福，我所作出的最有意义的结论就是：人们所生活的环境与他们的幸福程度之间几乎没有什么联系。片刻的思考就会让这个问题变得明了。我们都认识一些这样的人，他们过着相对轻松的生活，但却并不快乐，而另一些人虽然经历了许多痛苦却仍然很幸福。
第一个秘密是感激。所有幸福的人都心存感激，没有感激之心的人不会幸福。我们往往认为不幸福会让人牢骚满腹，而事实是，抱怨令人感到不幸福。
第二个秘密就是要意识到，幸福是其他事物的副产品。它最显而易见的源泉就是那些给我们的生活以目标的追求——任何事情，从研究昆虫到打棒球都行。我们拥有的激情越多，我们就越有可能经历更多的幸福。
最后，如果你信仰有某种永恒的东西可以超越我们，而我们的存在更具有超凡的意义，也许你会更幸福。我们需要精神上或者宗教上的信仰，或者一套处世哲学。
不管你的哲学观点如何，它应该包含这样一个真理：如果你真的在所有情况下选择寻找事情积极的一面，你就会幸福，如果你选择寻找糟糕的一面，那你将厄运缠身。就幸福本身而言，它往往取决于你自身的决定。
A teacher changed a boy’s life
老师改变了男孩的人生
Steve， a twelve-year-old boy with alcoholic parents， was about to be lost forever， by the U.S. education system. Remarkably， he could read， yet， in spite of his reading skills， Steve was failing. He had been failing since first grade， as he was passed on from grade to grade. Steve was a big boy， looking more like a teenager than a twelve year old， yet， Steve went unnoticed... until Miss White.
Miss White was a smiling， young， beautiful redhead， and Steve was in love！ For the first time in his young life， he couldn’t take his eyes off his teacher； yet， still he failed. He never did his homework， and he was always in trouble with Miss White. His heart would break under her sharp words， and when he was punished for failing to turn in his homework， he felt just miserable！ Still， he did not study.
In the middle of the first semester of school， the entire seventh grade was tested for basic skills. Steve hurried through his tests， and continued to dream of other things， as the day wore on. His heart was not in school， but in the woods， where he often escaped alone， trying to shut out the sights， sounds and smells of his alcoholic home. No one checked on him to see if he was safe. No one knew he was gone， because no one was sober enough to care. Oddly， Steve never missed a day of school.
One day， Miss White’s impatient voice broke into his daydreams.
“Steve！！” Startled， he turned to look at her.
“Pay attention！”
Steve locked his gaze on Miss White with adolescent adoration， as she began to go over the test results for the seventh grade.
“You all did pretty well，” she told the class， “except for one boy， and it breaks my heart to tell you this， but...” She hesitated， pinning Steve to his seat with a sharp stare， her eyes searching his face.
“...The smartest boy in the seventh grade is failing my class！”
She just stared at Steve， as the class spun around for a good look. Steve dropped his eyes and carefully examined his fingertips.
After that， it was war！！ Steve still wouldn’t do his homework. Even as the punishments became more severe， he remained stubborn.
“Just try it！ ONE WEEK！” He was unmoved.
“You’re smart enough！ You’ll see a change！” Nothing fazed him.
“Give yourself a chance！ Don’t give up on your life！” Nothing.
“Steve！ Please！ I care about you！”