These people just raised $2.5billion and they only got through the Bs in the alumni directory.
他们刚筹到25亿美元，拿到了理学士学位。
Here s basically how it works.
这就是他们干的勾当。
Your phone rings，usually after a big meal when you re tired and most vulnerable，and a voice asks you for money.
当你疲惫不堪之时，你刚享用完一顿丰盛的美餐，突然电话铃响，有人要你捐款。
Knowing—you ve read in the paper—that they just raised $2.5billion，you ask，“What do you need it for？”
你已经从报纸上得知他们刚筹得25亿美元，便问，“你们要钱干嘛？”
There is a long pause，and the voice on the other end of the line says，“We don t need it，we just want it.”（Sinister laugh）.
沉默了许久之后，对方才答道，“我们不需要，可就是想要。”（满堂大笑）
Let me see—by your applause—who here wrote a thesis？
That s nice.
让我来借你们的掌声之际看一下，谁在这儿写论文？真不错。
A lot of hard work went into that thesis.
And no one is ever going to care.
那篇论文很难作，可没有人理会。
I wrote a thesis—this is true，I don t lie—“Literary Progeria in the Works of Flannery O Connor and William Faulkner.”
说真的，我也曾写过一篇论文，题为“佛兰讷奥康与威廉福克纳的早衰文学”。
Let s just say that during my discussions with Pauly Shore，it doesn t come up much.
在我和保卢斯萧的讨论期间，并没有什么大事。
For three years after graduation I wanted to show it to everyone，and so I kept my thesis in the glove compartment of my car，so that I could show it to a policeman in case I was pulled over.
在毕业后的三年间，我想把它送给任何人看，因此我把它放在搁手套的汽车小箱子里，以防在违反了交通规则时把它呈现给警察。
What else can you expect in the real world？Let me tell you.
As you leave these gates and re_enter society，one thing is certain.
在这个现实的世界里你还能期望什么？让我来告诉你，一旦你离开校门走进社会，有一件事是确定的。
Everyone out there is going to hate you.
Never tell anyone in a roadside diner that you went to Harvard.
局外人将会恨你。不要在路边用餐时告诉别人你上过哈佛。
In those situations，the correct response to，“Where did you go to school？”is School？
I never had much in the way of book learning and such.
对于"你上过什么学校？"的正确回答便是，“学校？我从未涉及书本或过深学术。”
And then get in your BMW and get the hell out of there.
然后，谈谈宝马汽车公司并就此摆脱困境。
You see，kids，you re in for a lifetime of “And you went to Harvard？”
你瞧，你们一生都被“你上过哈佛吗？”这个问题所困扰着。
Accidentally give the wrong amount of change in a transaction，and it s “And you went to Harvard？”
偶然间，你不防来个错位也问一下，“你也上过哈佛吗？”
Ask at the hardware store how the jumper cables work，and hear “And you went to Harvard？”Forget just once that your underwear goes inside your pants，and it s “And you went to Harvard？”
在这个讲求能力的社会，忘记曾经从表及里的困扰着你的“你也上过哈佛吗？”而应问其他人这个问题，“你也上过哈佛吗？”
So you really know what s in store for you after Harvard，I have to tell you what happened to me after graduation.
I m going to tell it simply，I m going to tell it honestly，because，first of all，I think my perspective may give many of you hope，and，secondly，it s such a cool，amazing rush to be in front of 6，000people and just talk about yourself.
我想我得告诉大家我毕业后所发生的一切，当你离开哈佛时，你就会真正意识到何谓社会。我将简单明了、真实可信的告诉你们。因为，首先我想把我的观点灌输给大家。其次，令人惊愕地出现在6000人面前，诉说关于自己的故事，实在是件Cool毕的事情。
It s just great.
It s so cool.
And I can take my time.
太棒了，酷极了，并且我胸有成竹。
You see，kids，after graduating in May，I moved to Los Angeles.
你们知道，五月份毕业后，我搬到了洛杉矶。
I got a three_week contract at a small cable show.
我与一次小规模电缆表演活动签定了三个月的受雇佣合同。
I got a $380_a_month apartment，a terrible dump，and I bought a 1977Isuzu Opal，a car Isuzu only manufactured for a year because they found out that technically it s not a car.
在那儿，我租了间每月380美元的公寓，简直就是垃圾堆。我还买了辆1977年产的Isuzu乳白色轿车，名为Isuzu，其意是出厂后一年，他们觉得在工艺上它根本算不上是轿车。
Quick tip，graduates—no four_cylinder used vehicle should have a racing stripe.
毕业生们，我说，一辆四冲程的汽车不应该有传送带的。
So I worked on that show for about a year，feeling pretty good about myself，
因此，我在那儿工作了一年，并自我感觉良好。
when one day they told me that they were letting me go.
I was fired.
I hadn t saved any money.
直到有一天他们告诉我要辞退我。
我被解雇了，身无分文。
So I tried to get another job in television as best I could and couldn t find one.
因此我尽力在电视界找份工作，但没找着。
So with nowhere else to turn_true story—I went to a temp agency and filled out a questionnaire.
无奈之余，我到了一家临时机构填了份表格。
I made damn sure that they knew I had been to Harvard，that I had written this thesis，and that I expected the very best treatment.
我深信他们定知我上过哈佛，写过一篇论文，期望从他们那儿得到高薪。
And so the next day I was sent to the Santa Monica branch of Wilson s House of Suede and Leather.
第二天我被派到威尔森。
When you have a Harvard degree，and you are working at Wilson s House of Suede and Leather，you are haunted by the ghostly images of your classmates who chose graduate school.
当你获得哈佛学位，却得整天工作在威尔森分部，你的那些选择上研究生院的同班同学的身影使你心烦意乱。
You see their faces everywhere—in coffee cups，in fish tanks，you think you re going crazy，and they re always laughing at you as you stack suede shirts no man in good conscience would ever wear.
你到处见到他们，你认为他们是疯了。
你却在兜售一大堆稍有理智的人根本不穿的小山羊皮，并遭到他们的嘲笑。
I tried a lot of things during this period.
这期间，我尽力作了很多事情。
Acting in corporate infomercials.
在股份制公司打过杂。
Serving drinks in a non equity theater.
在非股份制剧院兜售饮料。
I even took a job entertaining at a seven year_old s birthday party.
我甚至为一个七岁小孩的生日聚会去增添欢乐的气氛。
In desperate need of work，I put together some sketches and scored a job at the fledgling Fox network as a writer and performer for a brainy show called the “Wilton North Report.”
在求职心切之下，我收集一些素描并在一家名叫雏鸟的网站兼任编辑与表演。
I was finally on a network and really excited.
最终我挤进了电视广播界，这让我兴奋不已。
The producer told me the show was going to revolutionize television.
制作人告诉我这个节目将根本性地改进电视业界，并且确实如此。
And，in a way it did.
The show was so hated and did so badly that when four weeks later news of its cancellation was announced to the Fox affiliates，they burst into spontaneous applause.
这个节目遭到一些人的反感，四周后取消节目的禁令到达“飞狐”摄制组，他们发出了不由自主的喝彩。
Eventually，though，I got a big break.
然而，最后，我被“停业整顿”了好一阵子。
I had submitted along with my writing partner a batch of sketches to Saturday Night Live，and after a year and a half they read it，and they gave us a two_week tryout.
我和写作伙伴将一批图画交给“生龙活虎”星期六节目组，他们给了我两个星期的假期。
The two weeks turned into two seasons，and I felt，hey，this is success，I m successful now.