But I am sick at heart, not only for old times, but for the present.Think - think how it do hurt my heart not to see you ever - ever! Ah, if I could only make your dear heart ache one little minute of each day as mine does every day and all day long, it might lead you to show pity to your poor lonely one.
People still say that I am rather pretty, Angel (handsome is the word they use, since I wish to be truthful).Perhaps I am what they say.But I do not value my good looks; I only like to have them because they belong to you, my dear, and that there may be at least one thing about me worth your having.So much have I felt this, that when I met with annoyance on account of the same I tied up my face in a bandage as long as people would believe in it.O Angel, I tell you all this not from vanity - you will certainly know I do not - but only that you may come to me!
If you really cannot come to me will you let me come to you! I am, as I say, worried, pressed to do what I will not do.It cannot be that I shall yield one inch, yet I am in terror as to what an accident might lead to, and I so defenceless on account of my first error.I cannot say more about this - it makes me too miserable.But if I break down by falling into some fearful snare, my last state will be worse than my first.O God, I cannot think of it! Let me come at once, or at once come to me!
I would be content, ay, glad, to live with you as your servant, if Imay not as your wife; so that I could only be near you, and get glimpses of you, and think of you as mine.
The daylight has nothing to show me, since you are not here, and I don't like to see the rooks and starlings in the fields, because I grieve and grieve to miss you who used to see them with me.I long for only one thing in heaven or earth or under the earth, to meet you, my own dear! Come to me - come to me, and save me from what threatens me! - Your faithful heartbroken TESS Chapter 49 The appeal duly found its way to the breakfast-table of the quiet Vicarage to the westward, in that valley where the air is so soft and the soil so rich that the effort of growth requires but superficial aid by comparison with the tillage at Flintcomb-Ash, and where to Tess the human world seemed so different (though it was much the same).It was purely for security that she had been requested by Angel to send her communications through his father, whom he kept pretty well informed of his changing addresses in the country he had gone to exploit for himself with a heavy heart.
`Now,' said old Mr Clare to his wife, when he had read the envelope,'if Angel proposes leaving Rio for a visit home at the end of next month, as he told us that he hoped to do, I think this may hasten his plans; for I believe it to be from his wife.' He breathed deeply at the thought of her; and the letter was redirected to be promptly sent on to Angel.
`Dear fellow, I hope he will get home safely,' murmured Mrs Clare.`To my dying day I shall feel that he has been ill-used.You should have sent him to Cambridge in spite of his want of faith, and given him the same chance as the other boys had.He would have grown out of it under proper influence, and perhaps would have taken Orders after all.Church or no Church, it would have been fairer to him.'
This was the only wall with which Mrs Clare ever disturbed her husband's peace in respect of their sons.And she did not vent this often; for she was as considerate as she was devout, and knew that his mind too was troubled by doubts as to his `justice in this matter.Only too often had she heard him lying awake at night, stifling sighs for Angel with prayers.But the uncompromising Evangelical did not even now hold that he would have been justified in giving his son, an unbeliever, the same academic advantages that he had given to the two others, when it was possible, if not probable, that those very advantages might have been used to decry the doctrines which he had made it his life's mission and desire to propagate, and the mission of his ordained sons likewise.To put with one hand a pedestal under the feet of the two faithful ones, and with the other to exalt the unfaithful by the same artificial means, he deemed to be alike inconsistent with his convictions, his position, and his hopes.Nevertheless, he loved his misnamed Angel, and in secret mourned over this treatment of him as Abraham might have mourned over the doomed Isaac while they went up the hill together.His silent self-generated regrets were far bitterer than the reproaches which his wife rendered audible.
They blamed themselves for this unlucky marriage.If Angel had never been destined for a farmer he would never have been thrown with agricultural girls.They did not distinctly know what had separated him and his wife, nor the date on which the separation had taken place.At first they had supposed it must be something of the nature of a serious aversion.But in his later letters he occasionally alluded to the intention of coming home to fetch her; from which expressions they hoped the division might not owe its origin to anything so hopelessly permanent as that.He had told them that she was with her relatives, and in their doubts they had decided not to intrude into a situation which they knew no way of bettering.
The eyes for which Tess's letter was intended were gazing at this time on a limitless expanse of country from the back of a mule which was bearing him from the interior of the South-American Continent towards the coast.
His experiences of this strange land had been sad.The severe illness from which he had suffered shortly after his arrival had never wholly left him, and he had by degrees almost decided to relinquish his hope of farming here, though, as long as the bare possibility existed of his remaining, he kept this change of view a secret from his parents.