By Jamie Farris
“But I'm only twenty five years old。”
“I know。”
“I've got two boys to raise by myself。”
I sat in Dr。Anderson's office，trying to convince him that I didn't have time for cancer，that I couldn't work it into my schedule and that I simply would not be told that I had it。
“I'm in my twenties，for God's sake。”I shouted，“No one my age gets cancer。”
Dr。Anderson stood quietly by while I cursed，cried and yelled，and when I didn't have it in me anymore，I collapsed onto his sofa，wishing it was just a bad dream。My mind was racing with the finality of it all。
“Jamie，are you okay？”
Dr。Anderson's voice was smooth and calm。I resented him immediately。
“Am I okay？”I screeched，“No，I'm not。What am I going to do”？
What was I going to tell Aaron and Ryan，my boys，my buddies，my little babies？
“This is not the end。”Dr。Anderson said。I could hear a touch of panic in his voice as he saw the blood draining from my face。“We can talk about surgery and medication。You're young；you can get through this。”
It was as if I was hearing him from inside a tunnel。My mind latched onto key words like，“not the end”“surgery”and“get through this”。
“What do you mean？”
“We can do a partial mastectomy。”
Dr。Anderson spoke quickly to hold my attention。
“This type of surgery may do you well in the long run but the main thing is，we can get the cancer。”
His eyes were soft and I knew he meant what he was saying。
“When？”was all I asked。
“As soon as possible。”he replied，“The less time we give it to spread the better，and judging from your mammogram，we stand a good chance of getting it all。”
“So。”I hesitated，“there is a chance that you might not。”
“There is always that chance，yes。”Dr。Anderson said。
A week later，I went under the knife。After surgery，Dr。Anderson explained that he thought they had gotten it all。
After several days in the hospital，I arrived home to find my sons，Aaron，who was nine years old，and Ryan，who had just turned four，waiting at the front door with flowers and homemade cards。They led me to the bedroom，helped me into bed and then crawled in with me。Aaron read me a story while Ryan huddled close。We fell asleep together。
I had made it through surgery，but the hard part was just beginning。I started chemo three days later。Each time，I spent several hours in my bathroom afterwards，vomiting。The chemo made me tired and sick and it didn't take long before I began to regret the surgery。
One day I came home from chemo and headed straight for the bathroom to throw up。An hour later，I slid to the floor and felt like I would stay there，wedged between the toilet and the shower，and cry myself to death。The boys were out so I could wail as loudly as I needed。I tried to stand up but couldn't find the strength。I managed to grab a bottle of painkillers the doctor had prescribed with about twenty left。I popped the cap and poured them all into my hand。
As I lifted my hand，pills and all，to my mouth，I heard the front door open。The boys were home。I put my head down on the toilet seat and cried。My hand began to sweat on the pills。Ryan appeared in the doorway，a smile on his face and his hand held out proudly。When he realized I was crying，his smile disappeared and he began to cry too。
He ran inside the room and threw his free hand around my neck。He wasn't about to let go of whatever he had in the other hand。
“Ryan，Mommy is okay。I was just sad for a minute。”He sniffled and tried to read my face，to see if I was telling the truth。I did my best to smile。Ryan smiled too，and hugged me。
“It's okay，Mommy。”he cooed，rubbing my hair。
I asked him what was in his hand。He burst into a grin，and as he held it out I screamed in surprise。In Ryan's small hand lay a Daddy Longlegs，which he displayed proudly。At first I thought the spider was dead but then it moved。
“Ryan。”I said sternly。“Take that thing back outside。”He looked up at me suddenly concerned。
“But Mommy。”he protested。“He's special，look。”
I looked。It was a spider。I wasn't getting it。
“I named him Harry。He only just seven legs，see。”I looked at Ryan's new pet and sure enough，he only had seven legs。
“Harry might have run into a monster spider or a bird and it tore off his leg。”Ryan explained，“but Harry keeps on living with just seven legs。Look Mommy，Harry doesn't give up。”
I sat there in awe。I suddenly realized how selfish I had been to even consider giving up。Here was my baby boy looking at the world with such innocent eyes and learning some very big lessons from a bug，of all things。I hugged Ryan close for a long time。He hugged me back just as hard and for just as long。As we sat there holding each other，marveling over Harry，the seven legged spider，I dropped that handful of pills into the toilet and flushed it。My younger son was saving my life。
“医生，我才25岁啊。”
“我知道。”
“我有两个儿子，两个需要由我自己来抚养的儿子。”
我坐在安德森医生的办公室里，极力想让他相信，我没有时间生病，尤其是癌症，而且我也没有时间去治疗癌症；想让他明白，当他宣布我患了癌症的时候，我根本没有办法接受。
“上帝呀，我才20来岁。”我大喊着，“没有人会在我这个年龄得癌症。20多岁，太年轻了。”
我诅咒着、哭喊着、大叫着，安德森医生则静静地站在一旁。最终，我不再哭喊，不再抱怨，一下子瘫倒在沙发上，心里只希望这是场噩梦而已。满脑子里想的都是癌症，癌症，可怕的结果。
“洁美，你没事吧？”
安德森医生的声音平缓而镇定。一时间我心里对他充满了憎恨。
“我能没事吗？”我大叫起来。“才不会呢！我感觉很糟糕。我还能怎么样！”
我该怎么对我那两个儿子说呢？亚伦和瑞安，我的宝贝儿子，我的小哥们，我的心肝！
“这对你来说不是世界末日，还有希望。”安德森医生说。可是我能听出他的声音里有一丝惶恐。因为他看见，我的脸没有了血色，变得苍白，苍白地可怕。“我们可以先谈谈怎么做手术，怎么用药。你很年轻，一定能挺过来的。”
我觉得他的声音好像是从长长的隧道里传过来的，悠远、模糊、断断续续。脑海中反复闪现的只有这几个词：“还有希望”“手术”以及“挺过来”。
“你说什么？”
“我们可以做一个部分乳腺切除术。”安德森医生马上回答，想要引起我的注意。
“从长远来看，这种手术对你会有好处。最主要的是，通过手术能清除癌症。”
他的眼神很平静，我明白他说的是真话，不是为了安慰我而撒谎。
“什么时候做手术？”我问。“越快越好。”他答道。“要尽快控制住癌细胞，阻止它扩散，时间越短越好。从你的乳房x光片子来看，我们有很大的把握彻底清除癌细胞。”
“也就是说，”我迟疑了一下，问道，“有可能你们不会彻底清除癌细胞。”
“有那种可能，你说得对。”安德森医生说。
一周后，我做了手术。手术做完之后，安德森医生告诉我，手术很成功，他认为癌细胞都被全部清除掉了。
在医院住了几天之后，我回到家里。一到家就看到两个儿子都在前门等我，手里捧着鲜花和自制的贺卡。亚伦九岁，瑞安刚刚四岁。兄弟俩陪着我来到卧室，又扶着我上了床，然后爬过来钻进被窝。亚伦给我读了一个故事，瑞安紧紧依偎着我。我们一起进入了梦乡。
虽然在手术过程中我一切都好，但是做完手术意味着更难熬的日子才刚刚开始。术后三天我开始接受化疗。每次做完化疗，我都在卫生间呆上几个小时呕吐不止。化疗令我如此痛苦不堪，所以不久我便开始后悔，后悔当初自己居然同意做手术。
一天，我做完化疗回家，非常难受，就径直去了卫生间，又开始呕吐起来。一个小时过去了，我无力地跌坐在地上，心里只想呆在那里，紧紧地靠在马桶与淋浴之间，一直哭、一直哭、直到哭死。孩子们都出去玩了，因此我可以无所顾忌，尽情地大声哭。我想站起来，但是浑身没有一丝力气。于是吃力地抓过一瓶医生给我开的止痛药。药盒里面还有二十片。“砰”的一声响，我打开盖子，把里面的药丸全部倒进手里。
我抬起手，把手里的二十片药丸送到嘴边。正在这时，我听到前门开了。是孩子们回家了。我把头靠在马桶座圈上，哭了起来，攥在手心里的药丸开始变得潮湿了。瑞安出现在门口，脸上带着笑容，还把一只手举在前面，样子很得意。可是，当他发觉我正在哭泣的时候，立即收起了笑容，接着自己也开始哭了起来。
他跑进卫生间，伸出那只没有拿东西的手搂住我的脖子。看来他并不打算把另一只手里的东西扔掉。到底是什么宝贝呢，我心里有点纳闷。
“瑞安，妈妈没事。我只是稍微有点难受，暂时的。”他哽咽着，观察着我的脸色，想看看我说的是不是真话。我尽力掩饰，露出微笑，瑞安也笑了，同时抱住我。
“你的病没事了，妈妈。”他一边轻轻地抚摩着我的头发，一边低声说着。
我问他手里握的是什么。他调皮地笑笑。当他把手展开，自豪地让我看手里的东西的时候，我惊讶地叫出声来。瑞安的小手里竟然趴着一只成年长腿蜘蛛。起初我以为那是一只死蜘蛛，但是随后它却动了一下。
“瑞安，”我严厉地说，“把这东西放回去。”他抬头看看我，神色突然有些不安。
“但是，妈妈，”他辩解着，“这只蜘蛛与众不同，你看看。”
我看过去。那就是一只蜘蛛，没有什么不一样的。我不懂儿子的意思。
“我叫他哈里。你看，他只有七条腿。”我看了看瑞安的新宠物。的确，他只有七条腿。
“哈里可能是碰上了一只大蜘蛛或是一只鸟，一条腿被拽掉了。”瑞安分析着。“可是哈里仍然顽强地活着，虽然只有七条腿。看，妈妈，哈里没有放弃。”
我静静地坐在那里，心中充满敬畏。刹那间，我意识到自己是多么的自私，居然想要放弃。我的小小的儿子，就站在我面前，却能用他如此纯真的眼睛看待这个世界，并从这只蜘蛛身上学到了一些非常重要的道理，关于一切事物的、最根本的大道理。我紧紧地搂住瑞安，久久不愿松开。瑞安也同样紧紧地抱住我，很长时间没有松开。我们俩相依相偎，坐在那里。我看着这只七条腿的蜘蛛——哈里，被他的顽强所叹服，于是将手里的药丸一股脑地扔进了马桶，并放水冲走。我的小儿子挽救了我的生命。
牛角挂书
New Words
mastectomy n。“医学”乳房切除术[亦作mammectomy]
mammogram n。乳房X线照片
collapse 失去自我控制，神志不清；（身体等）垮掉；病倒
例句：Both his health and his business collapsed within a year。
在一年之内，他的身体和他的买卖都垮掉了。
screech vi。尖叫；发出尖利刺耳的声音（或喊声）：
例句：to screech at somebody对某人尖声叫喊
vt。尖声喊叫出：
例句：He screeched that he didn't do it。他尖叫着说他没做那事。
latch vt。vi。用闩闩上，用闩把……闩上；用碰锁锁上
latch on to注意听，理解
wail vi。恸哭，号啕大哭；vt。[古语]哀悼
T
猴老师有话说
est Yourself
1.Multiple Choice Questions
1）I could hear a touch of panic in his voice as he saw the blood draining from my face。
A。触摸
B。手法；风格
C。影响
D。少许；一点
2）He looked up at me suddenly concerned。
A。忧虑的；不安的
B。有关的；参与的
C。感兴趣的
D。有牵连的
3）I could hear a touch of panic in his voice as he saw the blood draining from my face。
A。渐渐消失
B。排出；放出
C。使耗尽
D。滴干；流干
4）His eyes were soft and I knew he meant what he was saying。
A。平静的；安稳的
B。柔软的
C。温和的；和蔼的
D。和煦的
5）After surgery，Dr。Anderson explained that he thought they had gotten it all。
A。打死；杀死
B。挣得；赢得
C。收到；接到
D。取得
2.写出下面关于death 的短语或者句子的意思。
1）Death pays all debts。
2）as sure as death
3）like grim death
4）hang on like grim death
5）put to death
6）I've been worried to death about you。
7）freeze to death
8）beat sb。to death
Keys：
1.1）D2）A3）A4）A5）A
2.1）（谚语）一死了百债。
2）的确；千真万确
3）拼命地4）死死抓住
5）杀死；处死
The criminal was put to death by hanging。罪犯被绞死。
6）我为你担心得要命。7）冻死8）把某人打死