你精神正常吗？
The doctor lives downstairs
“Doctor，” she said loudly，bouncing into the room，“I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me.”
He surveyed her from head to foot. “Madam，” he said at length，“I've just three things to tell you. First，your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second，your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third，I'm an artist，the doctor lives downstairs.”
医生住在楼下
“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。
“我想让你坦率地告诉我，我到底得了什么病。”
他从头到脚打量了她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的相貌将会变美。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”
Are you a normal person？
During a visit to the mental asylum，a visitor asked the director，“What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized？” “Well...” said the director，“we fill up a bathtub，and we offer a teaspoon，a teacup，and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.” “Oh，I understand，” said the visitor. “A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup.” “Noooooooo!” answered the director. “A normal person would pull the plug.”
你精神正常吗？
一个参观者在参观一所精神病院的时候问院长，“你们是用什么标准来决定一个人是否应该进精神病院呢？” “哦… …”院长说，“是这样，我们先给一个浴缸放满水，然后我们给病人一个茶匙，一个茶杯和一个水桶去把浴缸里面的水放清。” “哦，我明白了”，参观者说，“正常人会选择水桶，因为水桶比茶匙和茶杯的容积大。” “错了”，院长回答道，“正常人会把浴缸塞子拔掉”。
Who's going deaf？
A man tells a doctor，“I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do？”
The doctor says，“Well，try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer，move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how bad the problem is.”
The man goes home，sees his wife and says，“Hi honey，what's for dinner？” He doesn't hear an answer，so he moves closer. “Honey，what's for dinner？” He repeats this several times，until he's standing right next to her.
Finally，she answers，“For the tenth time，I said we're having Pot Roast!”
谁要聋了？
丈夫告诉医生：“我想我的妻子快要聋了，我可以做些什么呢？”
医生告诉他：“嗯，先尝试测测她的听力吧。站在离她有一段距离的地方，问一个问题，如果她没有回答，走近一点再问一遍。一直重复直到她回答为止。这样我们就可以知道情况有多糟了。”
丈夫回到家，看见妻子便问：“亲爱的，晚餐吃什么？”他没有听到回答，于是走近一点再问：“亲爱的，晚餐吃什么呢？”这样重复了好几次，直到他就站在妻子旁边了。
终于，她回答了：“这是第十次了，我说我们吃炖肉！”
I think that I'm a chicken
Psychiatrist：What's your problem？
Patient：I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist：How long has this been going on？
Patient：Ever since I was an egg!
我想我是一只鸡
精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？
病人：我认为我是一只鸡。
精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？
病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。
单词&词组
frankly [5frANkli] adv.坦白地，真诚地
survey [sE:5vei] n.测量，调查，俯瞰
rouge [ru:V] n.口红，胭脂，
lipstick [5lipstik] n.口红，唇膏
asylum [E5sailEm] n.庇护，救济院，精神病院
criterion [krai5tiEriEn] n.（评判的）标准，尺度
plug [plQ^] vt.堵，塞，插上，插栓
deaf [def] adj.聋的
知道不知道
晒晒和nut有关的词汇和口语里常用到的句子吧：
nut坚果，疯子，头，螺母
walnut核桃
peanut花生
chestnut板栗
cashew腰果
almond杏仁
pistachio开心果
hazelnut榛子
nutcracker胡桃夹子
a hard nut to crack难以对付的人或者事
be nuts about对……疯狂着迷
it costs peanuts.很便宜。
第一章 Open one eye and close one eye
睁一只眼，闭一只眼
Wife：You see. According to the statistics on the paper，80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcohol.
Husband：It's okay. To my investigation，all these people eat meals.
妻子：你看这张报纸，据统计，死于肝癌的人80%都是喝酒的。
丈夫：那有什么？据我调查，死于肝癌的人100%都吃饭的。
One day，Eve asked Adam，“Do you really love me？”
Adam said helplessly，“Do I have any other choice？”
一天，夏娃问亚当:“你当真爱我吗？”
亚当无可奈何地回答:“我还有别的选择吗？”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks，“What was that for？”She says，“I found a piece of paper in your pocket with‘Betty Sue’written on it.”He says，“Jeez，honey，‘Betty Sue’was the name of the horse I bet on.” She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks，“What was that for？”She answers，“Your horse called.”
一个家伙正在看报纸，他的妻子走到他身后，用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问道：“这是为什么？”她说：“我在你口袋里发现了一张写有‘Betty Sue’的纸条。”他说：“哎呀，亲爱的，‘Betty Sue’是我赌的那匹马的名字。”她耸了耸肩，走了。
三天后，他正在看报纸，妻子走到他身后，又用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问：“这又是为什么？”她答道：“你的马打电话来了。”
Wife talking to her husband （who reads the newspaper all day） :“I wish I were a newspaper so I would be in your hands all day. ”
Husband：“I wish that too，so I could change you daily. ”
妻子对整天坐在那里看报纸的丈夫说：“我希望我就是报纸，这样你就可以整天把我捧在手上了。”
丈夫说：“我也希望你是报纸，那样的话我可以天天换新的。”
A：What would you do if you find your husband date with another woman？
B：I'll open one eye and close one eye .
A：How kind you are!
B：No ，I 'll shoot him!
A：如果你发现你丈夫与别的女人约会你会怎么做？
B：我会睁一只眼，闭一只眼。
A：你太善良了!
B：不，我要射死他!
Why is he howling
Dentist：Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet.
Patient：I know，but you are standing on my foot!
他为什么喊
牙医：请你不要再喊了！我还没碰你的牙呢。
病人：我知道，可是你正踩着我的脚呀！
单词&词组
according to依照
Investigation [in7vesti5^eiFEn] n.调查，研究
smack [smAk] n.滋味，风味，拍击声
bet on 打赌
frying pan煎锅，长柄平锅
call [kC:l] n.打电话，喊声，叫声，命令
change [tFeindV] n.改变，变化，找回的零钱，
date [deit] n.日期，约会
shoot [Fu:t] n.射击，发射，摄影
howl [haul] n.嚎叫，怒吼，嚎啕大哭
touch [tQtF] n.触觉，接触，触摸
知道不知道
上帝在东方造了一个伊甸园，并给里面配上了许多种活物。园中央有两棵树：生命树与智慧树。上帝造了亚当，让他去园中，告诉他说，除生命树和智慧树上的果子外，其他果子他都能吃。上帝派所有动物到亚当那里，亚当就给所有动物取了名。之后，上帝就让亚当好好睡一觉。亚当睡觉的时候，上帝取下他的一根肋骨，用这根骨头造了夏娃，这样，亚当就不会孤单了。亚当和夏娃光着身体，很幸福地生活在伊甸园里，与上帝和谐相处。