慈善事业数学讲座
“I see that the cause of Education has received the princely gift of more than fifty millions of dollars.” said I.
“我注意到教育事业方面收到了五千多万元的巨额捐款。”我说。
I was gleaning the stray items from the evening papers while Jeff Peters packed his briarbriar n.［植］石南 pipe with plug cut.
我在翻阅晚报上的花絮新闻，杰夫·彼得斯正在把烟丝塞进他那只欧石南烟斗。
“Which same，” said Jeff， “calls for a new deck， and a recitationrecitation n.朗诵， 背诵， 叙述， 背诵的东西 by the entire class in philanthromathematics.”
“提起这件事，”杰夫说，“我大有文章可做，并且可以发表一篇讲演，供慈善事业数学班全体参考。”
“Is that an allusionallusion n.提及， 暗示？” I asked.
“你是不是有所指？”我问道。
“It is.” said Jeff. “I never told you about the time when me and Andy Tucker was philanthropistsphilanthropist n.慈善家， did I？ It was eight years ago in Arizona. Andy and me was out in the Gila mountains with a twohorse wagon prospecting for silver. We struck it， and sold out to parties in Tucson for 25，000. They paid our check at the bank in silver—a thousand dollars in a sack. We loaded it in our wagon and drove east a hundred miles before we recovered our presence of intellect. Twentyfive thousand dollars doesnt sound like so much when youre reading the annual report of the Pennsylvania Railroad or listening to an actor talking about his salary， but when you can raise up a wagon sheet and kick around your bootheel and hear every one of em ring against another it makes you feel like you was a nightandday bank with the clock striking twelve.
“正是。”杰夫说。“我从没有告诉过你，我和安迪·塔克做过慈善家，是不是？那是八年前在亚利桑那州时的事了。安迪和我驾了一辆双马货车，在基拉流域的山岭里踏勘银矿。我们发现了矿苗，把它卖给塔克森方面的人，换得两万五千块钱。我们把支票在银行里兑了银币——一千元装一袋。我们把银币装上货车，晕头晕脑地往东赶了百来里路，神志才恢复清醒。你看宾夕法尼亚铁路公司的业务年报，或是听一位演员说他的薪金时，两万五千元好像并不多，可是当你掀开货车篷布， 用靴跟踢踢钱袋，听到每一块银币碰撞得丁当发响时，你就会觉得自己仿佛是正十二点时的通宵营业的银行。
“The third day out we drove into one of the most specious and tidy little towns that Nature or Rand and McNally ever turned out. It was in the foothillsfoothill n.山麓小丘， 丘陵地带， and mitigated with trees and flowers and about 2，000 head of cordial and dilatorydilatory adj.拖拉的， 不慌不忙的 inhabitants. The town seemed to be called Floresville， and Nature had not contaminated it with many railroads， fleas or Eastern tourists.
“第三天，我们到了一个小镇上，镇容美丽整洁，可算是自然界或者兰德麦克内莱的精心杰作。它坐落在山脚下，四周花木扶疏，居民有两千左右，都是诚恳老实、慢条斯理的。小镇的名字好像是百花村，那里还没有被铁路、跳蚤或者东部的游客所污染。
“Me and Andy deposited our money to the credit of Peters and Tucker in the Esperanza Savings Bank， and got rooms at the Skyview Hotel. After supper we lit up， and sat out on the gallerygallery n.走廊、戏院、教堂等中最高的楼座， 美术陈列室，画廊， 图库 and smoked. Then was when the philanthropy idea struck me. I suppose every grafter gets it sometime.
“我和安迪把钱存进当地的希望储蓄银行，联名开了一个户头，然后到天景旅馆开了房间。晚饭过后，我们点上烟斗，坐在走廊上抽烟。就在那当地，我灵机一动，想起了慈善事业。我想每一个当过骗子的人迟早总会转到那个念头上去的。
“When a man swindlesswindle v.诈骗 n.诈骗 the public out of a certain amount he begins to get scared and wants to return part of it. And if youll watch close and notice the way his charity runs youll see that he tries to restore it to the same people he got it from. As a hydrostaticalhydrostatical adj.静水力学的， 流体静力学的 case， take， lets say， A. A made his millions selling oil to poor students who sit up nights studying political economy and methods for regulating the trusts. So， back to the universities and colleges goes his conscience dollars.
“当一个人从大伙身上诈骗了相当可观的数目时，他就不免有点胆怯，思想吐出一部分。如果你仔细观察，注意他行善的方式，你就会发现他是在设法把钱归还给受过他坑害的人。拿某甲来做例子吧。他靠卖油给那些通宵达旦攻读政治经济学，研究托拉斯企业管理的穷学生而敛聚了百万家财，就把他的昧心钱捐给大学和专科学校。
“Theres B got his from the common laboringlaboring n.劳动， 操劳 man that works with his hands and tools. Hows he to get some of the remorseremorse n.懊悔， 自责， 同情， 怜悯 fund back into their overalls？
“再说某乙吧，他的财富是从那些靠劳力和工具换饭吃的普通工人身上刮来的。他怎么把那笔昧心钱退一部分给他们呢？
“‘Aha！’ says B， ‘Ill do it in the name of Education. Ive skinned the laboring man，’ says he to himself， ‘but， according to the old proverb， “Charity covers a multitudemultitude n.多数， 群众 of skins.”’
“‘啊哈，’某乙说，‘我还是借教育的名义来干吧。我剥劳动人民的皮，’他对自己说，‘但是俗话说得好，“一好遮百丑，慈善能遮掩许多皮。”’
“So he puts up eighty million dollars worth of libraries， and the boys with the dinner pail that builds em gets the benefit.
“于是他捐了八千万块钱，指定用于建立图书馆，那批带了饭盒来盖图书馆的工人便得到了一点好处。
“‘Wheres the books？’ asks the reading public.
“‘有了图书馆，图书在哪儿呢？’读者纷纷发问。
“‘I dinna ken.’ says B. ‘I offered ye libraries； and there they are. I suppose if Id given ye preferred steel trust stock instead yed have wanted the water in it set out in cut glass decantersdecanter n.玻璃水瓶. Hoot， for ye！’
“‘我才不管呢。’某乙说。‘我捐赠图书馆给你们；图书馆不是盖好了吗？这么说，如果我捐赠的是钢铁托拉斯的优先股呢。难道你们还指望我把股票的水分也盛在刻花玻璃瓶里一起端给你们吗？去你们的吧！’
“But， as I said， the owning of so much money was beginning to give me philanthropitis. It was the first time me and Andy had ever made a pile big enough to make us stop and think how we got it.
“且不谈这些，我刚才说过，有了那许多钱，叫我也想玩玩慈善事业了。我和安迪生平第一次搞到那么一大堆钱，终于停下来想想是怎么得来的。
“‘Andy，’ says I， ‘were wealthy—not beyond the dreams of average； but in our humblehumble adj.卑下的， 微贱的， 谦逊的， 粗陋的 vt.使……卑下， 挫， 贬抑 way we are comparatively as rich as Greasers. I feel as if Id like to do something for as well as to humanity.’
“‘安迪，’我说，‘我们很有钱了——虽说没有超出一般人的梦想之外；但是以我们要求不高的标准来说，我们可以算是像格里塞斯一般富有了。我觉得似乎应该为人类，对人类做些事情。’
“‘I was thinking the same thing， Jeff.’ says he. ‘Weve been gouging the public for a long time with all kinds of little schemes from selling selfigniting celluloidcelluloid n.赛璐珞 collars to flooding Georgia with Hoke Smith presidential campaign buttons. Id like， myself， to hedge a bet or two in the graft game if I could do it without actually banging the cymbalines in the Salvation Army or teaching a bible class by the Bertillon system.’
“‘我也有同感，杰夫。’安迪回答说。‘我们以前一直用种种小计谋欺骗大众，从兜卖自燃的赛摊路硬领，到在佐治亚州倾销霍克·史密斯的竞选总统纪念章。如果我能做些慈善事业， 而不必亲自在救世军里敲钱打绕，或者用伯策推的体系来教圣经班，我倒愿意试试那个玩意儿。’
“‘Whatll we do？’ says Andy. ‘Give free grub to the poor or send a couple of thousand to George Cortelyou？’
“‘我们做些什么呢？’安迪说。‘施粥舍饭给穷人呢，还是寄一两千块钱给乔治·科特柳？’
“‘Neither.’ says I. ‘Weve got too much money to be implicated in plain charity， and we havent got enough to make restitutionrestitution n.归还. So， well look about for something thats about half way between the two.’
“‘都不成。’我说。‘我们的钱用来做普通的慈善事业未免太多；要补偿以往的骗局又不够。所以我们还是找些折中的事。’