我朋友有很长一段时间一直想在厨房添置一些橱柜，但她丈夫坚持说这是铺张浪费。她去娘家过了两周，回到家来，发现厨房里新添置了漂亮的橱柜，这令她喜出望外。
几天后，邻居来拜访我朋友。欣赏了新橱柜后，邻居说：“你不在家的时候，你丈夫弄失了火。我们都深感庆幸只是厨房遭了殃。”
A Plumber
My daughter Judy， who works for a plumbing company， found herself in need of a plumber at home. When she got to work， she asked that a plumber be sent. For several days her request was ignored.
In desperation， as she departed one afternoon she left her boss this note - “I will come to work in the morning as soon as a plumber gets to my house. ” One arrived shortly before 7 a.m..
Notes：
(1) plumber n.水管修理工
(2) ignore v.不理；不顾
(3) desperation n.不顾一切的冒险；拼命
(4) depart v.离开
管道修理工
我女儿朱迪在一家管道公司工作。一日，她发现自己家里需要一个管道修理工。于是，去上班时，她要求派一个管修工到她家里。但一连几天，她的要求都没有得到回应。
出于无奈，一天下午下班时，她给老板留下这样一张字条：“明早管修工一到我家，我即刻来上班。”第二天早晨还不到七点钟就来了一位管修工。
A Preacher，s Topic
A preacher was asked to give a talk at a local women，s health symposium. His wife asked about his topic， but he was too embarrassed to admit that he had been asked to speak about sex. Thinking quickly， he replied， “I，m talking about sailing.”
“Oh， that，s nice，” said his wife.
The next day， at the grocery store， a young woman who had attended the lecture recognized the ministers wife. “That was certainly an excellent talk your husband gave yesterday， ” she said. “He really has a unique perspective on the subject.” Somewhat chagrined， the minister，s wife replied， “Gee， funny you should think so. I mean， he，s only done it twice. The first time he threw up， and the second time， his hat blew off.” Notes：
(1) preacher n.传教士
(2) symposium n. 专题研讨会
(3) embarrassed adj. 局促不安的
(4) grocery n. 杂货业
(5) unique adj. 独特的
(6) perspective n. 观点；看法
(7) chagrined adj. 懊恼的
(8) throw up 呕吐
传教士的讲题
一位传教士应邀在当地的妇女健康专题研讨会上作报告。他的妻子问及他的讲题，他要是供认他应邀讲性知识的话，他会无地自容的。他飞快地思索，回答说：“我要讲关于航海的知识。”
“噢，那好极了，”他妻子说。
第二天，在杂货店，一位听过讲座的年轻妇女认出了牧师的妻子。“你丈夫昨天讲得确实好极了，”她说，“在那个问题上他确有独到的见解。”牧师妻子显出有些懊恼地回答说：“唧，你这样认为真是好笑。我是说他仅仅做过两次。第一次他呕吐了，第二次他的帽子被吹掉了”。
A Prospective Horse Buyer
Then there was the preacher who decided to sell his horse. A prospective buyer was impressed with the animal， but the preacher said， “ I must warn you-he only responds to church talk. Go is Praise the Lord，， and stop is Hallelujah”.
“I，ve worked with horses all my life，” said the buyer， “and I，ve never heard of anything like this.” Mounting the horse， he said skeptically， “ Praise the Lord.” The horse began to trot. He repeated “Praise the Lord” and the horse broke into a gallop. Suddenly the buyer saw a cliff dead ahead. Frantic， he yelled “Hallelujah”， and they came to a stop a foot from the edge.
Wiping the sweat from his brow， the buyer said， “Praise the Lord！” Notes：
(1) prospective adj.预期的；可能的
(2) preacher n.传教者
(3) impress v.给予强烈影响；留下深刻印象
(4) respond v.有反应
(5) Praise the Lord感谢上帝
(6) Hallelujah哈里路亚（赞美上帝之语）
(7) skeptically adv.怀疑地
(8) trot v.小跑
(9) gallop n.疾驰；飞奔
(10) dead adv.完全地；绝对地
(11) dead ahead正前方
欲买马之人
传教士决定卖掉他的马。一位欲买马之人看中了这匹马，但传教士说：“我必须警告你——他只懂教堂语言。走是感谢上帝，停是哈里路亚。”
“我一生都在同马打交道，”买马之人说，“这样的事我还是头一次听到。”他跨上马，将信将疑地说：“感谢上帝。”马开始小跑。他重复说“感谢上帝”，马开始飞奔起来。突然买马者看到前面是一个悬崖。他吓坏了，匆忙喊道：“哈里路亚。”他们在离悬崖只有一英尺的地方停了下来。
买马之人擦了擦额头上的汗珠，说道：“感谢上帝！”
A Small Surprise
When his wife was expecting their third child， a father decided to tell his two sons， ages seven and nine， the facts of life. He checked out several books from the library on how parents should approach the subject. After stumbling through an explanation， he took a deep breath， and said， “Now， boys， do you have any questions？”
“Yes，” the younger boy answered immediately.
“Go ahead，” said the man， his heart in his throat.
“Can we，” his son asked， “have new baseball gloves？”
Notes：
(1) the facts of life（口语，委婉语）性知识（例如讲给孩子们听的）
(2) check out挑选出；筛选出
(3) stumble v.结结巴巴地说话
小小的意外
当妻子要生第三胎时，父亲决定给分别已七岁和九岁的两个儿子讲关于性的知识。他从图书馆查出几本书，都是关于父母如何涉及这个话题的。在结结巴巴地解释一番后，他长出了一口气，然后说：“好了，孩子们，有什么问题吗？”
“有，”小儿子立即回答。
“问吧，”爸爸说，心提到了嗓子眼儿。
“我们，”儿子问道，“可以得到新棒球手套了吗？”
A Speeding Motorist
A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. “Don，t you know what the blinking lights and siren mean？” he demanded.
“Yes， sir，” replied the driver.
“Then why didn，t you pull over immediately？”
“I would have， officer， ” the man said. “But last month my wife ran off with a policeman， and I was afraid you were bringing her back. ”
Notes：
(1) patrol n.巡逻
(2) blinking adj.闪烁的
(3) siren n.警笛
(4) pull over（将车、船等）开向一边让其他车、船超越
(5) run off with（sb.）与……私奔
超速的司机
一位公路巡警截住了一个超速司机。“难道你不知道闪烁灯和警笛的意思吗？”他责问道。
“知道，长官，”司机回答说。
“那你为什么不立即靠边停车？”
“我本来想这样做的，长官。”那男子回答说，“但上个月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她带回来。”
A Stubborn Horse
The great novelist had gone mad， but now there seemed to be some hope for his recovery. For six months， he had been sitting at his typewriter pounding out a novel. Finally， he pronounced it completed and brought the book to his psychiatrist， who eagerly began reading it aloud：
“ General Jackson leaped upon his faithful horse and yelled，Giddyap， giddyap， giddyap， giddyap，” The doctor thumbed through the rest of the manu.“ There，s nothing here but 500 pages of giddyaps！ ” he exclaimed.
“Stubborn horse，” explained the writer.Notes：
(1) go mad 发疯
(2) pound v.连续重击；砰砰地打
(3) pronounce v.宣称；宣布
(4) psychiatrist n.精神病专家
(5) leap upon跃上（马）
(6) thumb through以拇指翻动（书页）
(7) manu n.草稿
倔强的马
大作家疯了，但现在似乎还有恢复的希望。六个月以来，他都坐在打字机旁用力地敲一部小说。终于，他宣称书已写好并把它拿到精神病医生那里。医生急切地大声朗读起来：
“杰克逊将军跨上他的忠实的马，喊道：驾，驾，驾，驾……”医生翻了翻剩下的手稿。“五百页纸竟全是驾，驾！”他惊奇地说。
“是匹倔强的马，”作家解释道。
A Talk on the Phone
I teach computer courses， and my students often call me at home with questions. One morning I was on the phone， explaining in computer language the solution to a problem， while a repairman was fixing my refrigerator. After an endless stream of “C colon， back slash， greater than， CD， backslash， DOS， C colon” and so on， I hung up and found the repairman staring at me. “Lady，” he asked， are you a spy？Notes：
(1) computer language 计算机语言
(2) refrigerator n. 冰箱
(3) backslash n. 回车
(4) greater than大于号
(5) DOS 计算机语言中的DOS处理
电话交谈
我教计算机课程，我的学生经常打电话到我家问我问题。一天早晨，我在电话里用计算机语言解释一个问题的答案，当时一个维修工正在给我修电冰箱。经过一连串的“C冒号，回车，大于号，CD，回车，DOS，C冒号”等等，我挂上电话发现那位维修工在盯着我。“女士，”他问，“你是个间谍吗？”
A Thankyou Note
Once I received a thankyou note from a friend whom I had helped. In the envelope were five lottery tickets that had been scratched， revealing the numbers. “Thank you very much for your help，” the note read. “As a gift， I bought you some lottery tickets-sorry you didn，t win. ” Notes：
(1) lottery n.彩票
(2) scratch v.刮
(3) reveal v.显出
一封感谢信
有一次，我收到一封感谢信，是一个我曾帮助过的朋友寄来的。信封内有五张彩票，都被刮过了，露出了数字。“非常感谢您的帮助，”信上写道，“作为礼物，我给您买了些彩票——真遗憾，您没中奖。”
A Vacation Cruise