When Greek Meets Greek
It is said among business men that it requires twelve Jews to cheat a Genoese；but twelve Genoese are not enough to cheat a Greek…Only one person，that I ever heard of，enjoys the not very enviable distinction of having cheated not merely one Greek，but two．He was a Bari man．
He was returning to Italy，but had no boots or rather，the things he had were no longer boots．He carefully counted up his money，found that he had not enough to buy a new pair，and so quieted his conscience．Then he went to a shoemaker’s in the Street of Hermes.
“I want a pair of shoes by Monday morning，to fit me exactly，with round toes.”etc．；in short，he gave the fullest directions．“Certainly，sir．You shall have them without fail．They shall be sent to your house at ten on Monday morning．”
The Bari man left his address and departed．In the Street of Eolus he entered another shoemaker’s shop and ordered a precisely similar pair of shoes in the same terms．“Have I made myself understood？”
“Perfectly．Let me have the address，and on Monday at ten—”
“I shall not be in at ten．Don’t send them before eleven．”
“At eleven you may count on having them，without fail．”
On Monday at ten the first victim appeared．The gentleman tried on the shoes；the right was a perfect fit，the left was fearfully tight over the instep；it wanted stretching a little．“All right.”said the obliging tradesman.“I will take it away，and bring it back to you tomorrow．”
“Very well，and I will settle your account then．”
The shoemaker bowed himself out with the left shoe．At eleven，punctual punctual as a creditor，arrived the second predestinedpredestine victim．The same scene was repeated；but this time it was the right shoe that did not fit．“You will have to put it over the last again，my friend．”“We’ll soon set that right，sir．”And this shoemaker，more knowing than the other，was about to take both shoes away with him．“Leave the other.”said the Bari man．“It’s a fancy of mine…if you take them both，someone may come in and find that they fit him，and you will sell them to him，and I shall have to wait another week．”
“But I assure you，sir—”
“No，no，my friend；I know how things go．I want this pair of shoes and no other，and I insist on keeping the one．”
The shoemaker bowed his head with a sigh，and went away to stretch the right shoe．An hour later the Bari man and his shoes were already onboard the Pireus steamer；and on the following day the two victims met on his doorstep，each with a shoe in his hand，and looked into each other’s rapidly lengthening faces．
当希腊人遇到希腊人
生意人中有个说法：十二个犹太人才骗得了一个热那亚人，但十二个热那亚人也骗不了一个希腊人。我只听说过一个人曾有那不怎么令人钦羡的出众业绩——即欺骗了希腊人，并且骗了不止一个，而是两个希腊人。
他是个巴利人。
他正要回意大利，但却没靴子——或者更确切地说，他脚上的东西已不再是靴子了。他细细地点了钱，发现自己的钱不够买一双新鞋，倒也心安理得了。于是他去了汉米斯街的一家鞋铺。
“我要一双鞋，星期一早上必须交货，鞋得十分合脚，要圆头的。”如此等等。总之，他给了最详尽的指示。
“没问题，先生。您一定能按时得到鞋子。星期一早上十点给您送货到家。”
巴利人留下地址就离开了。
在风神街他又走进另一家鞋店，以同样的条件订购了另外一双完全相同的鞋子。
“你听明白了吗？”
“分毫无误。把地址给我吧，星期一早十点——”
“十点钟我不在家。十一点以后再送货吧。”
“十一点您一准能收到鞋。”
到了星期一，十点钟时第一个受骗者来了。那位先生试了鞋子。右脚非常合适，可左边的鞋足背处实在太挤脚了，还得楦一楦。
“好吧，”殷勤的手艺人说，“我把它拿回去修修，明儿再给您送来。”
“那好，就明天再结账。”
鞋匠便拿着左鞋鞠躬告辞了。
到了十一点，第二个预定的倒霉鬼也来了，像债主似的准时。于是那一幕又重演了一遍，只不过这一次不合适的是右边的鞋。
“朋友，你得返工重做最后一道工序。”
“我们立马就能把它修好，先生。”这个鞋匠比先头那个心眼多些，打算把两只鞋一起带走。
“把另外那只留下，”巴利人说：“我有个怪念头，觉得要是你全拿走了，也许有个人会看中它们，保不住你就卖给他了，结果我就得再等一个星期。”
“我向您担保，先生——”
“不，不，我的朋友，我知道事情会怎样演变。我只要这双鞋，不要别的，所以我定要你留下此鞋。”
鞋匠低下头，叹了口气，便转回店铺去整修右鞋。
一小时以后那巴利人和他的鞋子都上了“派利厄斯”号汽船。第二天两个上了当的鞋匠在巴利人的门阶前相遇，手里各拿着一只鞋子。他们迅速地相互扫了一眼，脸立刻拉长了。
Pushing
Salesman：“Yes，sir，of all our cars，this is the one we feel confident and justifiedjustify in pushing．”
Prospectiveprospective customer：“That’s no good to me．I want one to ride in．”
推销
推销员：“是的，先生，在我们所有的汽车中，这是我们在推销中最有信心、卖得最快的一种。”
可能的买主：“这对我没什么用。我要一辆能开的车。”
Drive On
Seth Smith was reckoned the laziest man in town．So tired had the authorities authority become of contributing to his support that they decided to consign him to a living tomb．Accordingly he was prepared for burialburial．The hearse was an old ramshackleramshackle country wagon．As the strange cortegecortege moved along some old resident asked，“Who is it？”
“Well，Seth Smith，who is too lazy to get anything to live on，so we are going to bury him alive．”
“I’ll give him a bushelbushel of corn.”said one．“And I will.”said another．Slowly raising his head，Seth asked：“Is the corn shelled，neighbor？”
“No，you must do that yourself．”
Gently replacing his head，he said：“Drive on，boys，drive on．”
接着走吧
塞思·史密斯被公认为镇上头号懒人。长官们实在懒得再供养他，便决定把他送进一个天然坟墓里去。于是他被准备着去埋葬，灵车是一辆摇摇晃晃的乡下旧马车。
正当这列奇怪的送葬队伍在行进时，一些老街坊问道：“这是谁啊？”
“唉，塞思·史密斯，他懒得没法活了，我们这就去把他活埋。”
“我来给他一蒲式耳谷子吧。”一个人说。“我也给。”另一个说。
塞思慢慢抬起头来问道：“谷子脱粒了吗，街坊？”
“没有，你得自己来。”
他缓缓把头放回原处说：“接着走吧，孩子们，接着走吧。”
Promise or Threat
“My friend，I say I had some trouble.”A man said to his friend，“YesterdayI had words with my wife.After that she punched the door and rushed outangrily with the word that she would live with her mother.Please help me.
Is this a promise or a threat？”
“Do you think there are differences between the two？”his friend asked.
“Yes，quite a lot.If it is a promise that means that my wife is sure to bewith her mother，and if a threat，that my motherinlaw will move and livewith us.”
许诺还是威胁
“听我说，朋友，我遇上麻烦了。”一个男人对他的朋友说，“昨天我和妻子吵了一架，她怒气冲冲地摔门走了，并声明说她要和她母亲住在一起。
你替我想想，这是许诺，还是威胁呢？”
“这两者有什么区别吗？”朋友问。
“不，区别太大了。如果它是承诺的话，那就是说她肯定是要和她妈妈一起住；要是威胁呢，那就意味着我岳母要搬到我家来住。”
The Mad Gardener’s Song
Lewis Carroll
He thought he saw an Elephant，That practised on a fifefife：
He looked again，and found it was a letter from his wife．“At length I realize，”he said，“the bitterness of Life！”
He thought he saw a buffalo upon the chimney piece：
He looked again，and found it was his sister’s husband’s niece．“Unless you leave this house，”he said，“I’ll send for the Police！”
He thought he saw a rattle snake that questioned him in Greek：
He looked again，and found it was the Wednesday of next week．“The one thing I regret，”he said，“is that it cannot speak！”
He thought he saw a banker’s clerk descending from the bus.
He looked again，and found it was a hippopotamus：
“If this should stay to dine，”he said，“there won’t be much for us！”
He thought he saw a coach that stood beside his bed：
He looked again，and found it was a bear without a head．“Poor thing，”he said，“poor silly thing！It’s waiting to be fed！”
He thought he saw an albatross that fluttered round the lamp：